who to be

By Allison Gee

“So, Miss Allison, what would you like to be when you grow up?”

My teacher asks as she looks into my eyes,

filled with hope and enthusiasm

These words I have heard on repeat ever since I learned to read

Never knowing how to respond, I wrestle with my thoughts

A doctor?

 A teacher? 

Or maybe even a preacher?

I would like to be so many things, kind, courageous, brave

Well, what they really mean, is what job will you choose 

What will fill your time and what role will you play in society

The president? 

A celeb? 

Or maybe someone who works the web?

Options and unkowns 

The buildup of everything I know

Who will I become and who do I want to be?

The constant ringing of time in my ear 

Is a lie, I know is coming near

Sports, travel or simply just school

Everyone says its good to have options 

But I would proceed that thought with caution.

Bubbling pressure of every adult

Echos throughout my skin and bones.

Advice is lovely until it starts to 

hold more validity than the truths god wrote on my soul

The path of self benefit is easy to know

But I don’t know if that’s where I will go

Support and service are pressed on my heart 

like a flower being pressed against a page,

the imprint is visible but never fully seen

The joy I store when keeping a simple ball from the floor

Seems like something worth fighting for

But is it enough?

Do I chase a feeling I enjoy, not knowing if it is the right one?

How am I expected to know 

Who I will be and where I will go?

What will I pursue and who will I become? 

Prayers, advice and simple trusting 

Are what I use to ease my rushing

Leaning into the uncertainty is part of getting through adversity 

But,

The feeling of anxiety lingers on my tounge as I speak 

Many years older, 

but still the same girl who wants to be kind and courageous and brave.